Message Sent
by Mioda Ibuki
Summary: A series of emails sent between Cartman and Kyle. Kyman, other pairings briefly mentioned. Updated whenever inspiration strikes.
1. This Is Going To Sound Dumb, But

Every time I tell you that I hate you, it's a lie.

I know you wouldn't believe it if I told you. I wouldn't, either, if I were in your position. That's why I don't say anything.

Sure, I've accidentally slipped up once or twice, but then I have to play it off as just fucking with your mind. Wouldn't be beyond me.

Every time you tell me that you hate me, it's the truth.

I really do realize that I'm an attention-grabbing asswipe. If I were sent to a decent therapist, they'd diagnose me with sociopathy, claim that I was doing all my actions for attention, and then hand me a jar of pills that were supposed to help somehow.

You know exactly what I am. And that's why you hate me.

Once again, I don't blame you.

You're the most intelligent person I know, and you always have been. That's one of the things that made me interested in you. You weren't a complete moron, unlike everyone else here. But did you know my actual thoughts?

Probably not. Or, hell, maybe you did, and you just didn't want to bring any of it up. Just keep it silent, it's as good as a no.

Another thing that always made you special was that you were able to put me in my place. I know. Contradictory, but...you were one of the only people that could. I don't know why. You've outwitted me, outfought me, and yet even if I'm about to win at something, I deliberately fuck it up because your smile is more important at my own expense.

It's kind of funny, actually. When I first realized all of this, I hated myself for it. Why you? Why not someone else? It didn't matter that you were a guy. I probably would've felt the same no matter what. But the fact that it was you, someone I'd see every day, someone I'd have to force my words, deliberately push myself to be what you'd expect...

It hurt. A lot.

I'd gone on the internet after a few days of dealing with it. Perhaps they'd have a way. Perhaps someone would be able to tell me how to solve this problem. Maybe make it all go away. I asked everywhere. Yahoo Answers, those shitty relationship-based tumblr blogs, and when that all fell short, I even signed up for a forum and posted a whole topic on it. Don't worry, I changed your name.

They all said that I should try to be kinder. Try to improve how I was around you. And I tried. I really, really did. But as you know, I'm more flawed than anyone else in the world, and that kinda bit me in the ass. The one time when I thought that we could be reasonably close...

You started dating her.

It wasn't my place, I know. For the most part, I had good intentions. I'd find her someone else, and I'd be able to finally get my words out into the open.

I think you hated me more than ever after that.

So we stayed the same.

Even then, there was an 'I love you' hidden amongst all the 'I hate you', there was a 'I need you' behind every 'leave me alone', there was every sort of fucking emotion behind 'I don't care.' Not that anyone could tell. I couldn't exactly tell anyone. Any dirt on me would spread through the whole town, and then it'd get back to you, and where would I be then?

Those thoughts were all when we were younger. As we grew up, we all kind of changed. There was our little cynic, our even-more-raunchy immortal (I know you won't understand that part, don't mind it too much), you, and I. We all stayed together, as we had before.

Remember that one time that we all got drunk at Kenny's place and I ended up falling asleep on your lap after telling you that I loved you? Or, perhaps, that one time when your parents were too busy with your little brother to go to one of your basketball games, and I was the only person that managed to come to it?

I guess I'm kind of obvious at times.

Even if you were to accept my feelings, there wouldn't be much problem with my family. My mom likes you. But yours...

It's safe to say that I've earned a spot on your mom's shitlist after the whole song-and-dance number. (Even if it was a while ago. I swear she still glares at me whenever I pass by your house.) So I don't think they'd take to any of it well, even if I forced myself to be the most polite and cordial person on Earth.

We'd probably break up every week, and get back together the next, which is what everyone would expect. I...I don't fucking know, alright? It's been this thing, for years, where I get these dumbass feelings and I don't know what to do. When that happens, you look at me, and I freeze up. It's almost physically impossible to speak, and then when I finally manage to speak, I burst out with something horribly offensive that I beat myself up over later.

I've wanted to protect you, but from what? Myself? You'd have a much better life otherwise.

I try to make you smile, but it always comes at my own expense and anyone who I rope into whatever I'm trying to do to let you play the hero. I think Butters actually has caught on by now, but, hey, he's not saying anything.

But, all things considered, I'm the villain, and you're the hero. That's all there is to it. I can't change that, it's set in stone.

I've seen your girlfriend. She's pretty. Really beautiful. Plus, she's nice to pretty much everyone, and that's something I could never manage. She's perfect for you, and I'm...I'm happy. For you both. That's why I should've stopped before I even wrote this, and if I don't throw this away, I'm just contradicting myself, because we both know I'm jealous as all hell.

But if she's the one that makes you happy, then I can't do anything about that. Please, stay happy. If not for my sake, for your own. That's all I really want for you.

And don't let me stop you. But...I'll just tell you what I've always wanted to say to you.

Ich liebe dich.

See, even now I'm too cowardly to say it in a way you'd understand. Let me try again.

I love you, Kyle. If this email actually arrives and you read it, it'd probably be best for you to ignore it. But...I just wanted you to know. I love you. I probably always will.

You're one of the few things I have left. Please don't treat me any differently now that you know all of this...but...I had to tell you. Before I snapped.

I'll...I'll just end it here.

See you at school tomorrow.

- Cartman


	2. Re: This Is Going To Sound Dumb, But

...This isn't exactly what I expected to show up in my inbox at 12 AM in the morning. Then again, I don't think I expected anything in particular.

Uh. Where do I start...

First of all, stop beating yourself up. That's _my_ job...just kidding. But, really, don't do it. Especially not over me. That's the last thing I want you to do. You are not an asswipe, you are not a villain.** Don't. **Even if those things were true, our group is pretty much based around 'guys with mental issues', and everyone else is just as fucked up as you.

Second of all, I don't hate you. I really, _really_ don't. I mean, yeah, I've said a lot of stupid shit that I don't mean. A lot of stupid shit. And from the sounds of it, you've done the same. Let's just agree that neither of us hate each other.

Third of all...I...honestly don't know what to say. Er, write. Christ, I'm oblivious. Like, really oblivious to the point where I'm surprised you haven't given up yet.

Alright, this is going to be a long email, on top of the fact that it's past midnight and the only reason I'm not asleep yet is this response.

Starting at the beginning, yes, you said some pretty rank shit, and the Jewish jokes did not help your case. I know, you've stopped most of a bit, and the 'I'm sorry' is somewhat implied, but it still happened.

If you really went around on the internet asking for advice, then at least you were trying. I mean, yeah, you could be lying, but I'm taking this at face value and saying that yeah, that was kinda sweet.

You're still in arms about the whole incident with Nichole? Actually, looking back on it, it was kinda funny. It's not like it's the first time you were really up front. Remember when we both had AIDS? It's not like you were the one objecting to everyone calling us a couple. Even then, after all that, I didn't hate you. Dude, if I hated you, I would've stayed away from you. I didn't, obviously.

Yes, I remember all of those times. Hence why I say I'm oblivious. Because I am.

My mom _does not _hate you. She's not holding a grudge against you, otherwise you wouldn't be allowed into my house. She doesn't hate you. So don't say that.

Now you're beating yourself up again. Stop it. If you're really in love with me, don't beat yourself up, because that's not what I want to hear, or...not even hear, don't do it even when I can't hear it.

Oh. Uh. Red. Yeah, she's nice. She's pretty, yeah...uh.

I'm...I really don't know what to say. You seem pretty certain with this, at least. I'm still pretty surprised. I'm...confused.

...I didn't ever think about you that way, and now I am, and now I'm...ugh. I'm not giving you a 'I love you' or a 'no', but I'm...I'll think things over. I don't know how I feel now.

I don't expect you to treat me any differently. I don't _want_ you to treat me any differently. I never would. (Besides, I have a feeling that Stan and Kenny wouldn't want anything to change either.)

...

I don't know what to say...but...if I'm being entirely honest with myself, when I sort things out...we could try something, maybe.

I mean, the minute that we actually go on a date, you might have second thoughts. Like. Immediately. And then we can forget all about this, I guess. But...I do care about you. In what way, I don't know, but **I care.**

...I'll have to talk to Red.

But, hey, just to end this on a high note...I _(might) _love you too, horribly offensive idocity and all. (Even if you really should've told me sooner.)

I'll see you at school tomorrow and if we get a spare minute away from Stan and Kenny we can talk about all this.

G'night. Sleep well.

- Kyle


	3. JUST DON'T READ THIS

I'm...pretty damn shocked.

I'm the one who doesn't know how to start this shit now.

I'll start with: you actually broke up with her? I-you seriously should've stayed with her! Dumping her for me, I mean, I'm

Okay yes as you very well realize I'm some fucked up mess and **GODDAMMIT I'M TURNING INTO A FUCKING TEENAGE GIRL AND I NEED TO STOP**

okay

_okay_ we're good

uhhh

I probably should delete what I typed above but knowing me I'll be too lazy so it's likely going to stay however stupid it sounded

...But, uh, yeah, I'm grinning like some sort of moron (I look like a goddamn mentally challenged tomato at the moment) and you can kind of tell because I'm not half as organized as usual.

I...it was still...a really poor choice to dump her for me. You really think that I'm the one that could make you happy? I mean, yeah, I'll try like all fuck, don't think I won't. I mean we couldn't exactly say anything considering we didn't get any time to ourselves so you could've dumped her for another reason altogether which would make more sense. A lot more sense.

...If you actually do want to try something, though, I'd be! All over that! Yeah! That would be great! You're mentally deranged for wanting anything with me but I'm not objecting! Not at all!

I don't know if I was supposed to even hear that you were single again yet. Butters told me. He apparently...did figure it all out. He's smarter than I give him credit for.

If you hear that I gave him a hug after he said that, though, those are blatant lies. :I

But um yeah my thought processes have kinda died on me hahaha

I really probably should stop typing before I embarrass myself further but here I am

Um. If you want to go on a date sometime I'd be glad to. I guess I'm kinda asking you out now. Yeah. That's what I'm doing. I'm open for any time! I'll...try my best to make sure you enjoy it and try not to fuck up too much.

...I kinda just realized that we're probably the only non flamboyant gay/bi people in this town. Err. If this becomes a full relationship can we not turn into...that? I know that they're all very nice people, yeah, all that, but one of them had a nuclear weapon, bats, a cellphone, and a puppet inside his ass. That fantastic voyage with Douchebag really...egh..._enlightened _me. Really, though, I refuse to become a walking stereotype.

But...I'm going to kinda forget that I'll actually be sending this so I can actually write things that will sound really really dumb but are actually kinda the truth.

In the case that you really do want to try something...I really am really fucking happy. Like, everyone was looking at me like I was posessed or something (is it really that rare? Then again, I think Craig led them all to think that I was onto one of my great money-making plans again and they weren't up for it. Which I probably should make another one of.) And...I can tell you that I'm being really really seriously here...mostly because I really really really really do love you and you probably don't want to hear that but there it is right there in the open probably far too open

I actually thought that this would end with you getting frustrated at me for 'bullshitting you'. But it didn't, and...heh, I'm rambling

I'm going to go to sleep now and hopefully wake up as my normal self again with not embarrassing myself.

Good night, Kyle.

I lo-**GODDAMMIT I NEED TO STOP THAT IGNORE IT JUST IGNORE IT I'M GOING TO SLEEP NOW**

- Cartman


	4. I Read It Anyway

Wow. I never thought that you, of all people, could be adorable. But there's outright proof. I'm saving that one. :3

But...um, yeah, I broke up with Red...I guess you can say that I did it for you, and yes, I have slowly gone insane, apparently.

So we can be blatantly batshit insane together.

And yes, I do want to 'try something'. It's worth a shot. I mean, yeah, I'm still kind of confused. I don't know exactly how I feel, but...I'm willing to try.

I told you to stop beating yourself up, and no, I don't mind hearing that you love me. It's better than a lot of other things you've said. Even then, it's up to me to decide what I mind and what I don't mind. On top of that, no, it was my own decision to end things with Red, and I don't regret it.

Yes, going on a date sometime would be nice. I'd like that. :) I'm open for this weekend. Maybe Saturday? ...Problem with all this is that we're going to have to either A) be obnoxiously straightforward with the fact that we are on a date together so that we're not questioned why Stan and Kenny aren't around, or B) think of really, really good excuses.

Really, though, I'm not even sure I'm gay yet. I mean, yeah, I'm trying this and it's worth a shot, but as I said, nothing's set in stone. Also, don't throw the unofficial unrequited-love pity party yet either because on the other side of that this might all really work out, to the shock of everyone else around us.

But I actually would like this to all work out, if it could. If it does, then no, we're not going to become walking stereotypes. I can't say that common opinion will believe that, but I think we're both sane enough to realize that we do not want to be shoving nocturnal flying animals up our butts. That was just nasty. D:

And I'm damn well sure you're not bullshitting me by this point, considering that last email...which, on the small chance that you really are fucking with me...well, let's just say that giving me a bit of leverage was a horrible idea in that case. I'm sure that's not the case, though, considering that you essentially had a meltdown into obnoxiously happy.

Pff. Yes, you should probably sleep if you're not doing so already. Kinda-sorta-maybe love you too, dork.

- Kyle

P.S.: Don't expect me not to tease you over that last one. Consider it fair for all the times you've teased me before. ;)


End file.
